Exploration improtant to country
____Exploration is very popular from ancient to modern times. In the ancient, many people explored the new lands and the road to other countries. Now, every country has scientists for explore new lands or new energy. Exploration is part of people's life and need every time. People need many important things from exploration, and people are the most important for a country. Every government worries about people's life very much. Exploration is important for country because of Change countries’ history, develop communication between two countries and promise the people’s life.
____Every country not only has different history, but also has many changes in history. Many people are heroes in the history for a country. Such as Cartier, he is an explorer. He wanted to find the road for get to Asia, but he found the new land for Canada and called “Canada” by himself. He went to Canada three times. He let many people know the Canada and used the knife exchanged the fur. He took many new things to the native people. He at the Canadian history had many dedications. His exploration changed the countries’ history. He made the Canada more famous, large. Canadian people known many new things and have new life. Exploration is very important to country.
____Communication is as food as water for people, because need learn many new things, make friends and life through communication. Exploration can develop the communication between two countries. It’s very good things for country, because the country not only can find the new lands or new energy, but also can communication with other country. Cabot’s exploration is a good example for this. When he found the Newfoundland and native people, he took many fish from Newfoundland to France and found the new land for France and Canada. This exploration developed the communication between France and Canada, took much benefit and important to two countries.
____The maker of the original of this globe is unknown to us. Nowadays earth is many explorers’ masterpiece. Many energy and technology need explore by people. In the life, many things made from minerals and the oil is absolutely necessary because most of people have cars and machines in the world. Every country has many scientists to explore, as YangLiwei is an astronaut. He is the first people went to space in China. He is very brave and great. He took the new kind of vegetable to country. Now, more and more people in the world. The earth has heavy burden, so the exploration can keep people’s life.
____Exploration is important for country because of Change countries’ history, develop communication between two countries and promise the people’s life. In the world, people and country are most important. Communication can make world peace and develop people’s life. They are communicating the new technology and polities.
Focus 4/4
ReplyDeleteYou do have a clear purpose. Your essay is about exploration and it does relate to the topic.
Organization 2.5/4
Your conclusion is too short. End it in a powerful way. It is the end of your essay.
The third body paragraph is a bit confusing.
Content 2.5/4
The paragraph about Yangliwei is not strong enough. You tell me he brings a new vegetable. Does he bring it from space? Explain your ideas clearly. Don’t overuse short sentences.
Usage 2.5/4
- important (You need to spell it correctly, it is the topic!)
- Don’t forget your articles (a, an , the)
not only has a different history
- You have a mistake in your thesis statement
Why is “change” = Change?
Style 2.5/4
- Try not to use “things”, use your vocabulary
- Don’t begin all your sentences with the same word. Take a look at your body paragraph one. You overuse the word “he” to begin your sentences.
Total Mark 14/20 x2 28/40
Milly,
It looks like you really thought about the beginning of your essay. The third body paragraph and the conclusion starts to fall apart. Remember to put effort into the ending because it really can change the way a person reads your essay.
Overall, a good job.