My love

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Essay

Essay
-------Two children
Milly

______ Long long ago, people didn't learn much knowledge. People didn't have TV, matches, gun, and so on, so many people wanted to invite the new things. Everyone liked exploring, creating. One day, two children liked study and exploring very much. They went to a hill to play ball and they found the sun at the far away or close to us sometimes. Then, they made a date to go to hill and explored this question. Though two kinds’ discussion, they also didn't have the answer for this question, and this exploration made them affray, they had different standpoints for the same question, the exploration can make people know many things need to learn, explore, and look for.

______ The tomorrow morning, two kinds went to the hill and look for the sun. One boy said the sun is far away with us in the morning, the other boy refuted the sun is close to us in the morning. At this time, the scholar came here. He is a famous scholar. Today, he was going to trip. He looked two kinds to quarrel, so wanted to smoke it out. Two children asked the scholar “the sun is close to or far away us in the morning.” The scholar thought much time.

______The two kinds were cachinnation. You also have some question don’t know answer. You aren't the scholar. The scholar feel very ashamed and said many things in the world, I need learned more and explore more things. The children’s exploration is very profoundly even I don’t know. The exploration can make people know many things need to learn, explore, and look for.
拼写检查
______ One boy said I feel the cold in the morning, so the sun in the morning is far away us and I feel very hot in the noon likes the fire, so the sun close to us in the noon. The other boy said the sun in the morning looked large than in the noon. The scholar said I know why the question just no answer, because two children answer the question in different points of view. The exploration made the misunderstand, contraction for two kinds.

______Overall, though two kinds'discussion, they also didn't have the answer for this question, and this exploration made them affray, and they had different standpoints for the same question, the exploration can make people know many things need to learn, explore, and look for. The people wanted to explore some things. Exploration likes water for people. It can make people, native, history to develop, change, grow, live, but explorations also have bad side like liquid waste for people. Exploration and study are people can successful's important way. Exploration is very important to the ancient people, but it also can made misunderstanding and contraction.

2 comments:

  1. Focus 2/4

    You have a very confusing story. You need to plan first and then write. It will help your focus.

    Content 2/4
    Your story is missing the rising action, climax and falling action. The plot is not engaging the audience. The plot is too simple to show your understanding of the essay topic.

    Usage 2/4
    The scholar said "I know why"
    Use your quotation marks. If you are not sure how to use it, you should check a story in Crossroads to find out how to write it. Look at your essay samples from before.

    Style 2/4

    You need to use higher level vocabulary.
    The story is too simple for a Grade 10 essay.


    Organization 2/4
    Your essay is very confusing to read. The introduction should not be the whole story. It should introduce the story.

    You should show me your essay in class so I can help you improve.

    10/20 x2 = 20/40
    PLAN first and then write.

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  2. Thank you...
    I write the eassy and plan on the paper. Then, I post essay first, so I write plan first.

    ReplyDelete